Something more positive! Since my last update things have got a lot better in my crazy little head. Next stop, à la France, in just 2 short weeks and a bit.
Emo maniac is probably the best way to sum up how I was last week. I let things get on top of me. At the start of the week, when we arrived in Lille, I’d been fine, excited about coming permanently and meeting friends etc. I’d even mastered the underground which is a first for someone who, up until last year, would never have got a train by himself (even the prospect of Leeds-Bradford freaked me out big style, no joke). I was excited anyway, to start the year abroad, despite some inevitable nerves. As the week went on, however, I became tired of being with my parents. Some arguments happened and me and my brother got fed up and I just felt like a child all over again, in a foreign country depending on my parents to get about; this is why in hindsight, I should have gone with a friend to look round. I started doubting myself. We went to Belgium, which I was unenthusiastic about due to my mood. By the Wednesday, we were on our way back on the ferry and I was just doubting everything and in true me-style, I panicked. However…
Realizations: I’ve come to realize a few things about this year abroad. It’s a fantastic opportunity and I should grab it with both hands. While my fellow uni students who don’t do my course will be slaving away over 3rd year reading, I shall be working as an English Language Assistant in two French lycées (colleges). I’m going to be living in a gorgeous apartment (all being well!), a 10-minute walk to one of my lycées and an even shorter walk to one of the underground stations that can whiz me into the centre of Lille within about 10 minutes. Lille itself is like the student capital of France and an absolutely gorgeous city. My contact teacher seems very enthusiastic to meet me, as well as the principal of the other lycée, situated in the Fives area (a few stops away from Gare Lille Flandres on the yellow metro line). I’m finding myself, bit by bit, and psyching myself up for something that could well be the making of me.
My boyfriend has been brilliant throughout all of this. He’s taught me not to fear, because I do fear stupid things. He knows me, my morals, and I know him and his morals. Why do I need to be scared of someone who loves me so much and someone I know so well doing something “wrong”? We all make mistakes. As long as he doesn’t do something that could destroy us, what’s the need to worry? It’s natural for some anxieties to be there; I am going abroad after all. But he’s coming to see me at some points. And worry only if there’s a danger something bad could happen.
Confidence is now all I need. Just a bit more. I’ve come far with my confidence, but I just want to now believe that I CAN do this placement. I’m a great linguist who loves what I study and I have achieved 2 consecutive years of passed exams and coursework, and achieved an overall 2:1 degree thusfar. I’ve taken trains all over England by myself (even to Pars last year, alone), I’ve held down a job as a porter during the holidays, I’ve achieved an existence at Lancaster and a really active social life, I’ve overcome difficult living situations and there is absolutely no reason at all that I shouldn’t be a totally kick-ass English Language Assistant.
Sorry if I seemed to be bigging myself up here, I just feel like lots of people do it - and so shamelessly, too! -and I never seem to (at least not in a serious way). I needed a confidence boost, everyone posts their shit on here..so yeah. I thought pourquoi pas?