JackOliD

Something more positive! Since my last update things have got a lot better in my crazy little head. Next stop, à la France, in just 2 short weeks and a bit.

Emo maniac is probably the best way to sum up how I was last week. I let things get on top of me. At the start of the week, when we arrived in Lille, I’d been fine, excited about coming permanently and meeting friends etc. I’d even mastered the underground which is a first for someone who, up until last year, would never have got a train by himself (even the prospect of Leeds-Bradford freaked me out big style, no joke). I was excited anyway, to start the year abroad, despite some inevitable nerves. As the week went on, however, I became tired of being with my parents. Some arguments happened and me and my brother got fed up and I just felt like a child all over again, in a foreign country depending on my parents to get about; this is why in hindsight, I should have gone with a friend to look round. I started doubting myself. We went to Belgium, which I was unenthusiastic about due to my mood. By the Wednesday, we were on our way back on the ferry and I was just doubting everything and in true me-style, I panicked. However…

Realizations: I’ve come to realize a few things about this year abroad. It’s a fantastic opportunity and I should grab it with both hands. While my fellow uni students who don’t do my course will be slaving away over 3rd year reading, I shall be working as an English Language Assistant in two French lycées (colleges). I’m going to be living in a gorgeous apartment (all being well!), a 10-minute walk to one of my lycées and an even shorter walk to one of the underground stations that can whiz me into the centre of Lille within about 10 minutes. Lille itself is like the student capital of France and an absolutely gorgeous city. My contact teacher seems very enthusiastic to meet me, as well as the principal of the other lycée, situated in the Fives area (a few stops away from Gare Lille Flandres on the yellow metro line). I’m finding myself, bit by bit, and psyching myself up for something that could well be the making of me.

My boyfriend has been brilliant throughout all of this. He’s taught me not to fear, because I do fear stupid things. He knows me, my morals, and I know him and his morals. Why do I need to be scared of someone who loves me so much and someone I know so well doing something “wrong”? We all make mistakes. As long as he doesn’t do something that could destroy us, what’s the need to worry? It’s natural for some anxieties to be there; I am going abroad after all. But he’s coming to see me at some points. And worry only if there’s a danger something bad could happen.

Confidence is now all I need. Just a bit more. I’ve come far with my confidence, but I just want to now believe that I CAN do this placement. I’m a great linguist who loves what I study and I have achieved 2 consecutive years of passed exams and coursework, and achieved an overall 2:1 degree thusfar. I’ve taken trains all over England by myself (even to Pars last year, alone), I’ve held down a job as a porter during the holidays, I’ve achieved an existence at Lancaster and a really active social life, I’ve overcome difficult living situations and there is absolutely no reason at all that I shouldn’t be a totally kick-ass English Language Assistant.

Sorry if I seemed to be bigging myself up here, I just feel like lots of people do it - and so shamelessly, too! -and I never seem to (at least not in a serious way). I needed a confidence boost, everyone posts their shit on here..so yeah. I thought pourquoi pas?

I feel like I’m constantly disappointed. Sorry to moan but seriously, what the fuck. Why can I not catch a break? I never got on all that well with my flat in the first year, thought moving into the house with loads of new people in 2nd year would be my chance to make the whole uni experience thing work. Although I did meet some great people, it was hardly what I’d hoped for, especially not throughout the first term. So I choose a beautiful city in the north of France département for my third year abroad, and it turns out I’m the only one from Lancs Uni going. Not only that, but some of the people on the fb group are so useless that it looks like I’m not going to have anyone I know for the first week I’m there. I can just see it now. I’ll be a total wreck wanting to come home every 2 minutes because I haven’t made any friends. It’s not even like I can just lurk at the back of a lecture theatre and sulk, as I’m doing a British Council placement, so I’ll have to face students most days.

Life is just so unfair at times. Expecting a group of 2nd years to make decisions about where they want to go abroad and organize the majority of the year abroad completely alone? It’s just inhumane. I’ll be honest, the area where one of my lycées is located is an absolute dump, and I’d be very reluctant to live even near there. I’m actually one of the better people in my year at uni at French (really don’t mean that in an arrogant way), and even I only just get my head around the language side, so what chance to poor people on the course have who aren’t half as confident? FUCK THIS.

Trying to write a song currently and just getting ideas onto a page of everything that I’ve felt for years but not quite known how to express. :)

I sometimes feel as though I have this gift, and it’s so rare and enlightened and deep and spiritual. It’s as if I can’t even imagine casual relationships or turning away from someone I love and accepting it’s over. For me that could never be the case…I’m in love for the long hall. Do I think about the future and hope to heaven that I can keep something so special? Absolutely I do. Do I despise the thought of maybe having to end things one day and accept it and “move on”? Absolutely I do! These are things the world considers normal, natural and a part of life on this earth. Yet it is these things that my heart just doesn’t have to offer, it’s like the most amazing thing and the most soul-destroying thing at the same time. A little like having something so special that needs to be modified, but being forced it every day of your life, every time someone looks his way, every time he suggests someone is good-looking. It’s a spiritual war between myself and my spirit. It’s hard. It’s trouble. The world calls my attitude overbearing, too far and nightmareish, I call it a deep, spiritual bond about which I continue to find out more. I’m destined to never settle for “let’s not think about the future”…I’m destined to strive for the most perfect love I can ever achieve, but to channel it in a healthy way. Not to scare! To inspire and to use healthily and lovingly. To just be the non-fearful “me.” To break religious, political and worldly constraints…to go beyond tradition and be the difference. To be a humble person who doesn’t know altogether what he’s doing yet still inspires others. To engage with something higher. To find myself, my purpose. To let go of the fear that’s captivated me for years. To go higher and love myself and others and channel all my emotions into a positive use. To be sure. To be happy. To be in this world, but out of it.

I sometimes feel like I’m constantly making the effort with certain individuals but just never get it back. I get empty offers of “we should meet up at some point”, but I’m ALWAYS the one to initiate an actual rendez-vous. It gets really disheartening after a certain point.

I’m not into the whole not naming and shaming/cryptic statuses that could be aimed at anyone. I can honestly say, for all my faults and bitching at times, if someone genuinely upsets me I will be honest with them and tell them so. But I feel as though this would be just creating something out of nowhere. Today I met with a good friend. We had a nice day, but it was the umpteenth time I’ve had to initiate the meet-up. Yet this certain friend has time for others and always seems to meet with them, despite me considering her one of the best friends I’ve ever had (bar this particular trait of which I’m not so fond). Why is it that she goes to visit another friend or two and might “check in” on facebook or put up pictures or say she had a lovely time, yet with me this never happens.

I know that after a certain amount of time, this friend always texts me to say we need to meet up, but I just feel she’s always busy and sometimes it feels like excuse after excuse. Just for once it’d be nice for her to do what my other friends do, and I do to them - text and say “hey, wanna do something this week, i’d like to see you.” I can live in hope that this might start to happen, it just feels annoying and I get fed up after a certain point.

..then again, I don’t value my self-worth as a human being on my followers number. :)

Me and my beautiful cousin Shani! :) she’s 5 months old and right now is the highlight of my week whenever I get to see her. <3

So there’s this small band, they’re quite well known, you may have heard of them. One Direction. Apparently they’re the next Beatles. According to some idiot girl on youtube. Apparently, despite the fact that The Beatles were/have been influencing artists for decades upon decades, have shaped a huge amount of the bands we see selling big today, despite being a revolution not only in music, but in things like world peace and love that Lennon stood for, 1D are every bit as good. And why? Because girls adore them and girls also adored the Beatles. That doesn’t give them anywhere near the same credentials, you freakin halfwits. Also, apparently Mcartney himself said they’re the next Beatles. Took a quick look on the internet for a viable source to back up that claim, of course there was none. Instead, I was greeted with “Mcartney says don’t compare 1D to The Beatles (but thinks they’re terrific)”. I don’t actually have anything against the band themselves. They’re not my thing personally, they’re just (from my view) another of Cowell’s conveyor belt acts programmed like robots to sell records, posters and other merchandise, and give him lots of benefits and up the hype on the shows his company SyCo produces. No, my problem is much more to do with the fans themselves. Not just the Directioners either, the Beliebers too. Why has our record industry become so fickle that manufactured boyband-esque boys who barely even write their own songs are being compared to legends like The Beatles or - scarier yet - MJ? It’s insane. Then you have the so-called “experts of today” (Will.I.Am) fuelling this sort of nonsense.

Also, why do people take pictures and upload them to fb of ridiculous crap? Like an empty vodka bottle, “oh, this is what i’ve just drunk - bet I’ll be hung over tomorrow”, or a picture of a TV and a chocolate bar and “my night in tonight”? Is there any need, really? One of the reasons my parents say they’ll never get facebook is because it’s intruding and people don’t need to know every little thing. I opposed this view and thought it wasn’t that bad until that sort of thing has been happening in multitudes of late. People don’t need to see all your shit. It’s just not needed.

neonnocturnal:

I’m so fed up of seeing ‘Like if’ on facebook now. It’s so annoying and stupid. Yeah, I remember that shit and I don’t particularly like the fact that animals are abused or whatever… but liking something on facebook doesn’t help at all and it gets piss annoying when people do it constantly on facebook. Not only that but whatever happened to originality. I really hate our generation, who steal ideas and burn them to the ground, I really do.

Leon, I agree, but it’s facebook; it’s a superficial world. saying things like “I really hate our generation” is pretty mad, it’s not a reflection of our generation, it’s just kids doing stuff online that we used to do ourselves. I agree in principal completely though. Liking something doesn’t help anything at all. If anything it’s an empty hand-reach. But it is a superficial world, and shouldn’t be confused with how people really are.

So, the first proper blog about the reason I initially even created this tumblr (woops..ha). As those of you who know me will know, I study French and Spanish studies at uni, and will be embarking on my third year in September. As part of the course, the third year must be spent either studying or working abroad in a country where the language you study is spoken. Then, after at least 8 months abroad, I’ll come back to the UK for a great summer, and then hopefully a great 4th academic year at Lancs.

Back in October/November (although you could tell me it was just last month and I’d believe you..how fast does time go?!) I decided I would do the whole of third year in France, and Summer 2013 in Spain (be it travelling around or doing some form of work there). I applied for 3 French regions: Lille (nord pas de calais), Rouen (haute-normandie) and Bordeaux, in the south-west. I had the choice of studying or working, and I chose to work, as an English language assistant in a school. The salary is JUST under €800 a month after taxes. After a very fast-moving 6 months, I finally found out that I had indeed been accepted as a language assistant, and that I would be teaching in two lycées just outside the centre of Lille.

That was about 2-3 months ago. I’m now sat here on a surprisingly lovely day in late July, with travel booked to go over to Lille in a month’s time, and half-stressing half-not about accommodation. I’ve signed up to (or scowered) various French websites such as leboncoin.fr, appartager.fr and logementetudiant.fr. I was really hoping for a student-esque studio, which are very common for people my age and of my status in France. They usually consist of a furnished room i.e. bed, chair/desk or mini-couch, and with the addition of a bathroom and two cooking hobs and an oven. But they’re hard to come across surprisingly, and everything is made more difficult by the fact that I’m relying only on google maps directions/distance calculation to tell me where the heck all these places are in relation to my lycées. I really need to just get out there and have a look.

The things I’m looking forward to:

- going shopping in France. I know this is so geeky/pathetic, but I wanna go food shopping and just live the regular day to day French life.

- Speaking the language lots.

- Earning money.

- Learning new skills.

- Bringing a bit of Britain to France.

- Meeting new people.

- Travelling around, perhaps visiting friends who are doing their year abroad in other parts of the country, or seeing my good friends in Rouen.

The things I’m not so much looking forward to:

- Missing people - family, friends, boyfriend mainly (even though I know they’re gonna be right there waiting for me to come back).

- General anxieties like running out of money in a foreign country, having to manage my money in a different currency, opening a bank account etc.

- Loneliness.

Either way I’m excited, AAAAAND the “excited” bits heavily outweigh the “non excited” bits. :)

From Maine's 2009 vote against gay marriage; this girl brings up a lot of great points.